Monday, February 28, 2011

Flashbacks!

Today, on the NuWa Owners Forum, there was a humorous thread about a guy who thought he lost his false teeth in the black tank of the RV (that's the poop tank for you folks who don't RV). Here's my response...

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Not from another forum, but from my experience... our first time in an RV was 23 years ago, back when U-Haul was renting motorhomes. We made arrangements months in advance for a HUGE 27 foot Southwind at Lake Tahoe. The rental process couldn't have gone easier; the young lady we spoke with each time was friendly and efficient. Apparently, she quit the day before we got there... things quickly went into the toilet. We were told that someone from the rental place would pick us up at the airport. I even confirmed that 3 days before our arrival. When I called them from the airport, I got the manager on the phone and he said, "We aren't running a taxi service here. We're too busy to send someone out to get you." The lady at the FBO took pity on us and gave us a ride to the U-Haul place... in her car that didn't have a back seat. Oh, there was a place for a back seat, but it wasn't there... "My kid got sick back there, so we took it out." She didn't have to explain, the smell said it all. I let my wife and daughter sit up front with the nice lady, while I squatted in the space in back.

As we pulled into the U-Haul place, we saw a 27 foot Southwind going out the gate; I said to my wife and then 16 year old daughter, "Look, that's just like the one we are getting!"

When we walked into the office, there was a guy sitting with his back to the door, feet up on the desk; he said, "It's so slow around here, I think I'll take the afternoon off." It was the manager - I still remember his name was Gary. I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but I heard these words come out of my mouth: "SO SLOW??? Just 15 minutes ago, you told me on the phone that you were too busy to come and get us, even though that was promised to me by Cindy."

"Cindy doesn't work here anymore." Quickly followed by the other guy saying, "I TOLD you not to rent that Southwind. I TOLD you these people have it reserved." Things went downhill from there. My friend Gary told me, "Don't worry, we have an Alumalite you can take." Turning to the other guy again, he said, "Did those kids bring it back?"

They pulled the Alumalite in front of the office. Apparently, it had been rented by a fraternity, because it smelled like stale beer and vomit... a lot like the space where the backseat had been in the car ride over. I exploded. The Blonde says I can be... um... let's say "intense" when I am angered. I got in Gary's face and made it very clear that I expected another Southwind to appear... now! He said, "That's all we have left."

I said, "There are 3 more Southwinds sitting in your lot - get one!"

You could tell by the sneer on his face that he felt he was holding the good cards... "Those are sold. Out of service. Take the Alumalite or nothing." To keep from having to spend our vacation in the local jail, I stepped outside for a second. This was before cell phones were common place, but there was a pay phone (remember those?) across the street. It took me a few minutes with my phone card, but in reasonably short order, I was talking to the CEO of U-Haul. I explained the situation, right down to what part of the anatomy I thought Gary was.

The big boss said, "By the time you get back to that office, this will be straightened out. Please accept my apologies for how you were treated." He was right... when I walked in the office door, Gary said, "What did you do??"

"Get me the Southwind, (expletive deleted). The sooner I get out of here, the better." I should have cut and run, but I was determined that we were going to have fun, dammit! angry It took them a few minutes to get the Southwind started, there was no water in it, and it was dusty inside. On the bright side: it didn't smell like stale beer and vomit. Joan said, "It will be fine. Our first stop will be at a grocery store to get some cleaning supplies. Let's just take it and go." The helper gave us a 12 second walk through, showed us a binder that had all the information about the motorhome, and we left.

Back to the plane to get our stuff, a stop at a grocery store to get some cleaning supplies, and we drove to the nearest RV park. This was on a Saturday on a holiday weekend. The place was packed, but they found us a site... with screaming kids and barking dogs on both sides of us. We got out of there as soon as we could the next morning. It had been more than a few years since I had driven a 40 foot bus in the band I played in (another mis-spent youth story)... this 27 foot behemoth seemed HUGE. We headed for a Forest Service campground. We shoehorned this thing into a tight sight with no hookups... it is supposed to be self-contained, we don't need no hookups. Yeah, I was wrong again. Each time the ladies used hairspray (and remember, this was in the 80s - they used a LOT of hairspray), some alarm went off. I didn't know what the alarm was, but I was sure it couldn't be something good. And then I remembered... the book! I pulled it out of the cabinet and opened it up... it had divider pages in it: Electrical, Plumbing, Set Up, etc... yeah, just the divider pages; otherwise, it was empty, as in: no instructions. We stood outside the RV, waiting for the alarm to quit or for it to blow up.

My sweet daughter asked, "Is this the fun part?" Her Mother says she gets her smartass ways from me.

We nearly froze to death that night, because we had no idea how to work the furnace. I had figured out where to put water in it the first night, so we were able to take showers... in the cold... in a bathroom the size of a phonebooth. How could this thing be so BIG on the outside and so small on the inside???

The next day, we headed for a lower elevation, in search of some warmth. It barely started, and then only because I pressed some button that said, "Emergency Start." We pulled into another RV park later that day... we had been chased out of several casinos that had signs that said, "NO RV PARKING" and the security to back that up. Frankly, this RV lifestyle didn't seem so friendly. We got a shuttle to take us to a casino where we took our daughter to an overpriced concert, with overpriced drinks, and a two drink minimum. But, she bought some overpriced band t-shirts, so everything was good.

And now, the sewer part: the next morning, after 3 days of pooping, peeing, and showering, I figured we better do something with that stuff. I looked around the campground and saw that other people had big hoses coming out of their RVs. I walked around ours and found a handle that said, "Sewer." My Momma didn't raise no dummies; I was guessing that if you pull that handle, the hose will pop out. I pulled it, nothing happened. I found another handle that said, "Gray Water"... I was pretty sure we weren't so dirty that the water would be gray, but I pulled that handle, too. Nothing happened. I should have known something was going to happen, because the neighbors across the street set up some lawn chairs to watch our antics. They could have offered some advice since it was obvious I didn't know what I was doing... they didn't. I was too proud to ask. And then, I found this round cap - that MUST be where the sewer hose is located.

Again, I was wrong. I barely turned the cap and was immediately rewarded with everything we had pooped, peed, and washed into the holding tanks! shocked My daughter was laughing hysterically. I hissed, "Get me a towel!!" She ran into the motorhome and came out with... one paper towel. I understand why some animals eat their young. I washed my hands at the outside water spigot and headed for the shower house... at least this RV park had a shower house, unlike the Forest Service site we had been in. I threw my shoes and clothes away.

Things kinda went downhill from there. We were supposed to have the motorhome for 2 weeks; we took it back after 4 days. My buddy Gary said, "No refunds!" I didn't care, we just wanted OUT.

To complete the story, a few weeks later, we received a survey in the mail from U-Haul, wanting to know how our rental experience was. I went ballistic. I filled out that form and did not delete any expletives. A few days later, I got a call from the nice CEO... "We really dropped the ball on this, and I'd like to make it right with you. I would like to refund your entire rental fee."

I said, "Well, we did use that piece of $#!( for 4 days, so how about a pro-rated refund for the time we didn't use it... with one condition."

He asked, "Absolutely. Um, what's the condition?"

"I want the refund check to come from Gary's personal account. Oh, I know you will wind up paying for it in the end, but I want that SOB to know that we know, and you know, that he lied and absolutely ruined our vacation."

The guy was now laughing, "That is great! You have a deal!"

We received our refund... in full... with an apology from Gary. Not long after that, U-Haul quit offering RV rentals.

The epilogue: I was dumbfounded two years later when we were sitting on a beach at a great lake resort... Joan was reading a local newspaper, and she said, "Hon, what would you think about getting a motorhome?"

"Are you kidding me??" I was struck with horrifying flashbacks!

"No, it could be great if we had our own. No more renting. You can get a trailer and we could haul the motorcycles south. It could be fun if we do it right..."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!" Less than a month later, we bought our first motorhome. One of the first things I did was check to make sure there was a detailed owners manual... after a very thorough walk-through on delivery.

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Sorry for the lengthy post. This thread gave me flashbacks again. I thought I was beyond that. Roll Eyes I actually laughed through most of that Robin Williams movie, RV.

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