I don't even know how to tell this tale...

A family had chartered the boat today.  I was told: "Twelve nice folks - they're very excited about seeing whales!"

Well, that sounds good.  It was scheduled for our usual departure time.  When the naturalist didn't bring folks to the boat on time, I began to wonder... when she did show up (10 minutes late), she had 6 people in tow.  That's about 6 too few.

I asked the naturalist, "So, where's the rest of the family?"

"They're in the bathroom.  I showed them where the boat is.  They should be here any moment."

We waited another 10 minutes... and then saw the people wandering on a dock on the other side of the main pier!!  They were going boat to boat to boat to see "is this the one?"

The first 6 consisted of 3 adults and 3 boys (8,7, and 5) who didn't stop asking questions long enough to get an answer.  And they were LOUD.  Drunk obnoxious guys kinda loud, but at a more piercing pitch!

I could see where this was going.

The ones on the boat started screaming at the ones a couple docks over.  I said, "No need for shouting - I will go get them."  In order to get to us, they had to go up a ramp, over a dock, and down another ramp... no way in hell would they find their own way to the right boat.

I herded everyone to the boat... two older couples, another lady and a very quiet young girl (one in a row).  I started a safety talk, but had to stop to tell the 3 boys to pipe down - "Hey, youngin's, I've got the floor right now.  You need to listen up or at least be quiet so your parents can hear this stuff!"  The mother mouthed "thank you" at me.  I am amazed when parents can't tell their own kids to behave.

They were all excited about "getting out on the water and seeing whales!!"  Plus, it was Brian's birthday... 83 years old.  Yes, he was one of them who couldn't find his way to the boat.

We stopped to look at some seals, I could hear the kids SCREAMING about the momma and baby seal.  We headed towards the pass at the south end of the island.  I could see the white caps and rollers in the pass way before we got there.  I called the first mate to the helm and told her to keep a VERY close watch on the kids, 'cause it's gonna be choppy.

We made it through the "adventure ride" in the pass, I put the boat in neutral, and asked how everyone was doing... "We're great - we wanna see whales!!"

"That's the goal.  No reports, yet, but we'll be looking," I said.

The waves were 2 to 3 feet and confused as we came out of the pass.  I headed to the west where we had seen Minkies before... the waves took on more of a set and became 3 to 4 feet.  It seemed better to me, since I could quarter into them and keep the boat from pounding.  There was one other whale watch boat out there looking around... we were on a Minke hunt.

The naturalist (and I should mention that this is the same young lady who I had to get after for NOT checking the head last week) came up to the helm and said, "They want to go somewhere else.  ANYWHERE else that the water isn't so rough."

"I thought they wanted to see whales.  They are here, we just need to see one surface and we'll be on 'em."  Nope, they wanted out of this chop.  Since it was all one family, I turned the boat so that we were running with the waves and started heading to the closest flat water.  The naturalist said to me, "Two of them are puking their guts out, and two more are close."

I told her, "Running with the waves should make it easier on them."  I am so optimistic.  ;-)

The other boat that was out there saw two Minke whales about one minute after we left the scene!  Yes, really.

I looked back towards the ladder to the helm and could see one woman holding another woman's hair while the first one yakked overboard.  Sweet.  I matched the speed of the boat with the waves and the ride immediately smoothed out.  The naturalist came back to the helm and said, "Can you slow the boat down.  One guy has to use the bathroom and he thinks it's too rough still."

I said, "If he is one of the pukers, don't let him down in the head."

"Yes, he's been puking, but now he has to go to the bathroom, too."

Well, isn't this fun!?!

As requested, I slowed the boat.  Of course, that made for some up and down motion as the waves rode under us.  In spite of the request, I matched the speed of the boat to the waves again... I kept the ride as smooth as possible, and it wasn't bad.

After a few minutes, I waited for the naturalist to tell me it was OK to pick up speed again.  She didn't.  I pushed the throttle forward a bit, expecting her to tell me OK or not yet.  Nothing.  I picked up speed and got us behind an island where the water was perfectly calm.

I went down the ladder to see how everyone was doing, and one lady asked me, "Can you put me on that island and take the others out to see whales?"

"No, that is an uninhabited island, no dock, and no way to put you on there unless you can swim in 49º water.  Oh, and I won't let you do that!  No one dies of mal de mer, but a lot of people wish they could.  So, now we're in calm water, would you like to switch from a whale watch to a flat water scenic cruise?"

"Take us back, now!" one woman said.

"Is that what you'd all like?" I asked.

"No, but this happens every time we get together as a family.  She puked on the last boat ride, too."

"That might have been good information to share with me before we left the dock," I said.

We decided to take them back to our dock, but there was Cattle Pass to deal with and the current was ripping.  I hit a 6 foot wave and saw my bag (with my captain's license, passport, and a bunch of other stuff in it go flying off the flybridge)... that is gonna be a real pain in the ass to replace.  The naturalist's backpack went flying, too.  She hollered something up to me, I couldn't hear what it was, and told her, "No stopping until we get through this rip!"

On the other side, I went down from the helm and said, "Well, we are through the worst of the waves.  It should be flat from here.  Do you still want to go back or would you like to see some pretty scenery with the rest of your time?"

"Take us back."

"You got it," I said.

We were running with the current, so it was a pretty quick trip back to Friday Harbor.  As we came into the harbor, the first mate came up to the helm and said, "I am SO sorry!  I will clean it up!!  When that guy went to the bathroom, he put a bunch of toilet paper into the head!!  You told them not to do that, I told him not to do that, and he still did it!!  I am so sorry - I will clean it up!!"

"We are a team, (name deleted), we'll take care of it when we get back.  Is everyone OK down there?"

"They're fine, they just want to get back on land."

I got them on the dock, thanked them for their patience, and one of them asked, "Can you leave off the sick ones and take a couple of us back out?"

"Well, it will take us over an hour to get back to where the whales are, and the time you scheduled for is about up.  If you want to pay for additional time..."

"NO!"

They got off the boat.  No tip.  One guy apologized... for the mess his dad made.

When they were gone, I looked in the head... Oh my God, there was a mound of toilet paper sticking out of the toilet!  After I specifically said to them, "NO paper products in the toilet," during the safety talk.

The first mate was close to tears, "You told them!  I'm so sorry!  I'll clean up the mess!"

I told her, "I'll get the toilet paper and shit out of there, and then you can clean up the rest.  I just don't want to try to pump all that toilet paper through the lines."

Let me tell you, there are not enough rubber gloves in the world to deal with the mound of shitty paper in that toilet!!!  If these people had any class at all, they would have handed us $100 and said, "This is for the mess our father left in there.  Please accept our apologies."

No, they said nothing of the type.  And, stiffed us.  I put on rubber gloves and started picking toilet paper and shit out of the head.  The first mate gagged as I put it in a plastic bag.  "You get to clean the head when I get this mess out of here, " I told her.  (Hey, I dealt with my Mother after a stroke... shit happens.  Literally.)  You just shouldn't leave your family's shit for someone else to deal with without some kind of compensation.

When I was convinced that the head was NOT plugged and still functional, I told the first mate to fill it with water and, "let's go fuel the boat.. give that some time to loosen up what is stuck to the toilet bowl."  No, he hadn't pumped any water into the bowl before... well, you know.

Ah, yes, mine is a very glamorous job!  We fueled the boat and by the time we got back to our dock, the water in the bowl had loosened up... well, you still know.  The first mate took a toilet brush and cleaned up the last of it.  She had asked, "Can't we just leave water in there overnight and clean it tomorrow?"

"No, it will stink even worse if we leave it 'till tomorrow.  Shit happens, we clean it up, and move on."

She laughed.  When we both took off our rubber gloves, I gave her a hug... "You did a fine job today.  We are a team and we will always work together to give the guests the best experience possible.  Of course, they could have told us that they always get sick on boats!"

Somewhere between a laugh and a cry, she said,  "They were puking off both sides of the boat.  I felt so bad for them."

I told her, "You did everything you could.  I tried to give them the best ride possible, but the whales were out where there was some chop.  There were a half dozen other boats out there after we left and no one else was complaining about the ride.  Chin up, (name deleted), tomorrow's another day.  Well, not for me - I have the day off!"

She laughed.  We put away the rest of the boat stuff and I hosed down the boat.  The boss lady came out and asked, "How bad was it?"  (I had called her during the trip and let her know that they wanted to come back early.)

"Well, that's a bag of shit that you're standing in front of.  I scooped it out by hand.  (Name deleted) scrubbed the head.  This family was a bunch of pukers.  Shit happens... puke, too.  Oh, and screaming kids.  Other than that, it was a fine day."

I think she was sorry she asked.  "Oh, and you need to order some of those gloves that vets use when delivering baby horses - the kind that go all the way up to your shoulder."  Pretty sure she didn't know I was joking.

I just had to chuckle.  Just another day "at the office."  Did I mention: mine is a glamorous job?? ;-)

No photos... you're welcome.