I thought I might not make a post for a few days, but writing is therapeutic for me. We both miss our boy so much - our daily routine is upset. Everytime I come in the door from outside, I look for him, because he always came to greet me. Joan turned on the Ninja for our morning smoothies - that was Rufus's cue to come for a Momma treat. He got fed on a schedule, and my morning routine was based around that... how am I supposed to know when to take my morning pills? I miss our morning walks; him sitting on my lap while a looked through my favorite sites on my computer. The head-butt that I would get almost every time he jumped into my lap. I look for Rufus, and... he isn't there.
It's an empty feeling.
Unlike most cats, it was rare that he was anywhere except right with us... he might get in a cat-nap, but it was generally right beside one of us, with a paw reached out to touch.
I won't make this a daily maudlin report of what we're missing. All these "firsts without Rufus" are tough.
I went out for a soak in the hot tub before taking on the day. Joan was already in the shower, because we are expecting another furniture delivery this morning. Yes, American Furniture Warehouse - the four of us have bought all our furniture for the new house there. As usual, I got a call from the driver about 20 minutes before their arrival to let us know we are their next stop...
Their delivery people are great - always polite and professional; always moving at a fast pace. Someone has trained them well. This last delivery (really, it should be the last) is an outdoor patio set: a couch, 2 chairs, and a coffee table...
It's comfortable - we all took a turn "test sitting"...
As you can see, this is out in the bright sun; the last piece to pull this all together will be the pergola that is 12 x 24' and will (hopefully) give us some nice shade. It was a cool start to the day (52º) - the photos above were taken around 10:00 and it was shirtsleeve comfortable. You have to watch out for that Arizona sun, though: cool with sunshine can get you sunburned.
Steph and Dan put up their Christmas tree today; we were glad to see that... with Blaine (the Guide Dog puppy) and three cats, they didn't put up a tree last year. They picked out a new tree this year, with a spot in their new house in mind. It looks good. For a lot of years, Joan and I have put up our tree on our Anniversary (Dec 2nd)... the last few years, I've gone earlier than that. I think we'll go back to the Anniversary this year; I'd be lying if I said I was in the holiday spirit.
Joan and I made a trip to Home Depot - she had scoped out a hose caddy there and wanted to get it (it is just like the one we had in Texas). Lunch out, then back home... just in time for an Amazon delivery of about 15 packages. Mostly stuff for the house and yard that Joan had ordered. I hooked the newly delivered 100' hose up to the newly purchased hose caddy, while she assembled several lawn ornaments... well, gravel ornaments, if we're being accurate. She had ornaments on the deck that looked out over the canal in Texas, and she is making this place feel homey, as well.
We went through more boxes - Steph and Dan are making a run to Goodwill, and we added to their load... a nice boombox and a portable DVD player (does anyone use those anymore?). And a few things from my "recuperating days" that they will take to a place that loans out medical equipment. They have one last piece of furniture (a couch) in their apartment that they are giving away on Offer Up, and someone is supposed to meet them there to pick it up late this afternoon.
The sun is about down as I am writing this. It's the time of day that Rufus and I would go out for our early evening walk. I probably don't have to tell you how I feel about this.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'm trying to be as normal as I can be... but "normal" has always been a lofty goal for me. This abnormality is tough.
6 comments:
Staying busy is probably the best thing you can do. I know how you feel.
It has been over 10 years since we said goodbye to our two golden retrievers who went over Rainbow Bridge within 4 months of each other. I was lost without them and summer was the worst. I was teaching at the time and had all summer to fish and play with the pups. I tried to keep myself busy with the boat and fishing. It was the time when I wasn't doing my hobbies that were the worst. Right after we lost the pups, Kim and I agreed that we would get another puppy the next year in March. Well, my sense of loss hastened the process and we were lucky to find our Sunshine in September.
I know what you mean about your routines revolving and being integrated with Rufus. Same here with Sunshine. I know it takes time to grieve and we all do it at different rates.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Thanks, Patrick. Mornings are tough for me right now. The loss of that routine throws off what follows. We still have plenty of moving in work to get through (one box at a time), so no problem with staying busy. I appreciate you sharing those comments.
We went through the same thing with *Buddy the Lawn Puma* two years ago. And all the ones before him. You always looks for them when entering the house, or upon waking up, and it hurts when they aren't there. Whenever I see a gray tabby in the neighborhood, I still look closely for that face. Sometimes I still see him out of the corner of my eye.
We still have Lucy but she is a Russian Blue (a breed not noted for cuddling) and is bonded with me. Alice was really sad without a kitty, so I know right where you are. I was hoping to simplify life with only one cat, but she was lost without "her" little cat friend. It took just under two months until we adopted Duke, and both Duke and Alice are very strongly bonded together. I don't know how to lessen the pain right now, but when you both are ready rescuing another good kitty will help. Rufus would approve. You rescued him.
The house is really coming together nicely. Play some music when you feel like it again.
Hi Earl. On Rufus's last day, I played him more music than I've played in months. I have an afternoon scheduled with Mark and friends this Wednesday. Yeah, the stomach pangs happen when I look where he should be. Only time will change that.
Rufus came to us only a couple weeks after losing Izzy. I don't know how long we'll go this next time. It will be situation dependent.
The house is coming together. The last major thing will be the pergola to help with that south exposure on the house on our side. It still feels like staying in a nice hotel (probably because I still don't know where everything is), but it's getting closer to being home. Having Steph and Dan right next door is nice.
I remember that you were still hurting from losing Izzy when we first met Rufus. He helped you both a lot, and you helped him. The next one will too. I have often repeated what you said to us when Buddy passed: "Our pets don't live as long as we do, which is sad. But we get to love several of them over our lifetimes". That was very profound and comforting and has helped others cope with their grief too. Thank you for that.
I still remember Buddy's last day as if were only last month, instead of two years ago. It was a warm November day with sun and some water in the curb gutter from the lawn sprinklers. Why cats walk past a bowl full of fresh water to drink something like that I will never understand? He went out into the front yard and walked around in the sun, then came back and laid on my chest to snuggle. That was one of his favorite things to do. Be on my chest while I lay down on the sofa. Like Rufus, it was a good final day -- full of petting, treats, and people who loved him.
I liked your description of the morning hot tub session, and further settling in. It is also positive that you are slowly coming to terms with the grief. Only time will help that....
I remember when you first met Rufus (and us). He was the new kid, but lots of personality. I am probably a big ol' mushball, but I really feel for people who have to go through that "last day" with a beloved furry one.
The situation with Izzy was tough: we were trying to get to Phoenix, where an animal surgeon was hopeful that he could do something for her. She told me it was time before we could get there; we stopped in Tucson that evening and a kind vet team helped us through that. With Ruf, we got to have almost 10 extra days with that sweet boy. I can't say it was any easier, but there was a lot of adoring during that time.
It's too soon to say what we will do. One certainly doesn't replace another, but they can show you that you can make more room in your heart. I'm trying not to dwell on this loss, but it is always right there - everything around us is a reminder of the good times we had with our Rufus. If I write about something else, you can be sure my heart and mind are swirling with memories of my boy.
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