No, this isn't about Rufus's private potty. At my recent doctor appointment, he asked me when I had my last colonoscopy... "I've never had one."
"Never?"
"Pretty sure I would remember."
He suggested that he have a Cologuard kit sent to our house... "You mean the 'crap in a box' thing like on the TV commercials?" I figure he and I are close enough that I can speak frankly.
Yep, that's pretty much what it is. Well, you don't crap right in the box - you get a box with a container that you crap in, pour some magic elixir over the crap, then put the container back in the box, and send it back to Cologuard.
Being the person at Cologuard who has to open all those boxes sounds like a shitty job to me. Someone had to say it. Well, those more refined than I would probably think it but not say it.
Timing is important. If this is TOO MUCH INFORMATION, feel free to skip to the next blog post. You have to crap in the box, then get it to a UPS outlet so they can get your crap in a timely manner. It (the box for crapping in) arrived late Friday. I figured it would not be good to crap in it and wait until the following week to get it sent. So, today is my official "Crap in the Box" day. Apparently, Cologuard is my new best friend... I received something from them in the mail today... a reminder to crap in the box and get it sent back. Then, this morning, I got an automated call from them... after confirming my birth date (maybe they are going to send me a card?), the automated voice said, "Did you crap in the box and send it in, yet?"... "Do you intend to crap in the box and get it sent in soon?"... "Would you like to talk with one of our representatives about crapping in a box?"
Frankly, I think they're getting a little personal. I tend to be competitive, so I want it to be a good crap sample. Monday, things were a little loose - hey, I warned you about TMI. I didn't crap at all yesterday. Today may be the day. It isn't often that I hope I have a crappy day.
As you get older and deal with people in the medical field, any hope of decorum goes out the window.
For some reason, this box situation reminds me of the SNL skit with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg, "Dick in a Box." I may write a song.
And for the record, I think this crap box they sent me may be defective:
the box on the TV commercial has legs and it talks. This box I
received does neither.
No photos... you're welcome. No shit.
6 comments:
Cap - I have done this twice. The test kit goes out of date and that is why they call - also, some folks "sit" on the full box for some reason - guess they are "anal retentive". They are actually very efficient and they communicate well. A colonoscopy is not safe for us older folks. As you have Medicare I suggest you have your doc run a gene test for the markers for colon cancer. If you get a clean sweep there and on this test, you are home free. Do not panic on false positives on the Cologuard test, that is why I like the gene sequence also - gives you either a double all is OK or helps you and the doc think out options on if you get a positive. I had gene sequencing for potential colon cancer, dementia/Alzheimer's, excess iron build up in the blood, and other good stuff. If the doc codes the test requests right, you pay zip as in nothing.
Bob in Nevada
Zip, as in nothing, is my favorite price. Especially if it is for something that isn't fun. ;-)
Oh, and I don't plan to sit on it, other than the crapping.
Sorry state of affairs, I had to read the instructions twice as I had not used "The Box of Shame" for several years. So if you get a chance, post a note on the best burger to order at BurgeFi, I am going to give the one here a second chance at my wallet, the last one may have been a "We just opened for business and are a new owner!" failure. Bob in Nevada
Hi Bob. Instructions: crap in box. Use the little stick that looks like a mascara brush to make designs in the crap. Close up box. Send the box to Cologuard or someone you don't like. Oh, and don't drink the "magic elixir" - that is to pour over the crap. I learned this the hard way - it tastes like crap.
The above is for your amusement. Don't follow those instructions.
My Burger Fi order: a Burger Fi burger (two patties, cheese, Burger Fi Sauce, I order mine without veggies, because the cow those patties came from ate the veggies... and see what happened to them. A Cry & Fry side (onion ring and fries). Wash it down with your choice of beverage - I go for the hard stuff: Diet Coke on the rocks. I prefer it over Five Guys. Burger Fi sometimes has a Wagu bleu cheese burger that is quite tasty, but you will have to sleep outside that night.
You're welcome.
Thanks - I will think this all over while sitting on a small pail in the toilet. Bob
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